Otoscopes and overthinking

Disclaimer- This isn't a self help blog. Trust me if I had the answers I wouldn't be here . 

So this is Ayushi or 'Shi speaks' (Shi writes was too on the nose) an overthinker, a procrastinator and a final year postgraduate student - no it wasn't my idea to get the masters degree. 

I check ears for fun and  yes I write too ! 

Blogging has lived rent free in my brain, occasionally waving a "hello" but eventually got buried under the weight of assignments, exams and 'life' . As I sit at the gynac opd waiting for my turn this time as a patient, I wonder what should my very first blog be about. Of all places I could have had this epiphany—here I am. Life’s sense of timing is - weirdly interesting. 

This, obviously, is not the best place to write anything — unless you count writing under stares from very pregnant, very tired moms  as motivational but boredom, anxiety, and the universal law of procrastination has led me here. I have an exam in two days and a thesis that’s currently writing itself — out of existence. So naturally, I’m here.

I am professionally wired to expect the worse and be hopelessly hopeful about my patients. Flip the roles and I am a mess. Sitting on the other side of the table gives me chills . 

I am better off at finding a diagnosis than waiting to get diagnosed. I m a terrible patient with no patience. For instance, I never have had the courage to go for a consultation alone . I m a 25 year old. It begins with a mild concern and ends with an entire WebMD-fueled saga involving rare disorders and catastrophic outcomes.  

The simplest of tests like an otoscopy could make me sweaty. An otoscope doesnot  have a needle, it doesnot prick . It is just a torch to check your canal and tympanic membrane. It's not like I donot know better. I have done countless otoscopies myself but when it’s pointed at me, it suddenly feels like I’m being probed by NASA.

Anyway, I’m next in line. So I guess I’ll stop writing, stop overthinking (or thinking at the very least), and just - exist.

Hey — look what happened while trying to avoid eye contact and existential dread: my first blog post. Not bad, right?

With lots of love,

Shi